Friday, January 29, 2010

He turned my pain into peace

It was several days after my mom died when everything slowed down and it all began sinking in. My life hadn't been normal in over a month. Spending nights in the hospital for weeks....then the week of the funeral was crazy busy making arrangements....and then the week after was spent being with family and going through some of mom's things. So, I was really too busy to grieve...or I was surrounded with so many family members that I wanted to be strong for. I woke up one morning to spend some time with the Lord and opened up my Bible but I was so incredibly sad and brokenhearted that I couldn't read it. I got down on my knees and just sobbed. I cried out to the Lord that morning and told Him my pain was too much. I ached so much to be a mom and so I begged God to take away that pain. I just lost my mom so there was this new pain and the combination of the two was way too much.

There have only been a couple of other times in my life besides that morning where I felt the presence of God SO strongly that I KNEW He was there with me. I mean, I always know He's there. But you don't always physically FEEL it. I felt it that day. After crying out for some time I remember feeling this indescribable peace in my heart. I heard God telling me that it was okay to grieve for my mom and to be there with my family and for my family. Then He said..."TRUST ME"....with my plans for you to be a mom. Two simple words right? Not so simple to do. "Trust that I have a baby for you and you will be a mom." Not, "trust that you will get pregnant and carry a child." You see, God was telling me that He had a child for us and that if I would just surrender to His plan....His timing....His way....then it would happen.

So on that morning that's exactly what I did. I surrendered and began to trust that God had it all in control. I knew we would adopt a precious baby soon and I couldn't be more excited! After questioning it for so long I was finally ready and could hardly wait to meet our child! Little did I know that as God was telling me to trust Him and that He had a child for child was already on her way.

To be continued...

1 comment:

Heather said...

I feel that I know so much about your journey, but in reading this today - learned something new. This post is one of the reasons why I love you so much ...

I'm so glad that you're chronicling this journey in this space. There are times when I sit on this side of the computer screen with tears as I read your words, but then I remember how the story ends :)

Jesus is everything! Love you ~