I'm a Mom

We got to the hospital and soon after we arrived we realized that B wasn't doing well. We began getting Caroline dressed and ready to go over on one side of the room. As we were putting her dress on I looked over and saw the tears streaming down B's face. I walked over to the bed and sat down beside her. She put her head on my shoulder and just sobbed. It was more than I could bear to see her in such pain. She sobbed because she didn't want to say goodbye to this precious baby but she knew in her heart that it was the right thing for her to do. I did my best to reassure her but in situation like this there really are no words. I told her that we would always talk to Caroline about her and make sure Caroline knew how much she loved her....that this decision didn't have anything to do with the fact that she didn't love her or want her. But it had everything to do with God and HIS plan for Caroline! I promised her while I was sitting with her on the bed that day that we would make sure that Caroline knew that B only wanted what was best for her. Then we just sat there in silence and both cried. There was nothing left to say. It was just so hard. This was the day I was going to have a baby placed in my arms....a day that I had prayed and waited so long for. I should have been jumping for joy. Yet, I had such sadness in my heart for what B was giving up and having to let go of. This back and forth of my emotions....bliss about becoming a mom....sorrow for what B was enduring....was absolutely wearing me out.

We managed to dry our tears...for the moment...and get B's things together. We all walked to the car and headed to the adoption agency. It was quiet in the car on the ride over. What do you say? I remember we were getting close to the agency and I could sense another breakdown coming in my own heart and felt that B must be feeling that way too. I reached back behind my seat and just patted her on the leg. We got to the agency and the ladies there came out and said hello and told us to hang out in the lobby with Caroline while they took B to the back for her paperwork. I asked Stephen to hold Caroline. I remember thinking if we can't take her with us then I cannot be the one to let her go and give her to B. He had to be the strong one. I just paced the lobby and prayed and prayed for B. I asked that God would fill her up with His peace and give her strength like she had never had before. That is what is was going to take to do this. An hour passed by. Then another hour passed by. No one told us that there was a stack of papers to sign and that someone had to talk you through each page and that it would take literally forever. They finally came out and one of the ladies from the agency looked at us and motioned us back. She said, "It's your turn for the paperwork." Stephen gave Caroline to B and she and her mom waited in the lobby while we went to the back. We got to a room and sat down and she smiled and said, "Congratulations, you're parents." Oh.... those words. I could breathe. I could barely sign the paperwork through the tears...this time only tears of joy! We were back there for what seemed like forever too and our cell phones never stopped ringing or receiving texts. We had told our friends and families to pray and that 2:30 would be the time to sign everything at the agency. It was now right at 6:00 and they were getting really worried.

We walked out with B and her mom and got them settled into their car. We gave them big hugs told them to call us when they were ready to come and visit with Caroline. We knew we would be in the state for awhile and knew they would want to visit Caroline as much as possible before we had to go to Tennessee. We drove off and I sat in the back right beside my little girl...I just kept saying, "You're our sweet girl. Do you know what a miracle you are? You're our sweet girl." We of course had a million of phone calls to make to tell everyone that we were indeed parents now and couldn't be happier. We took turns holding Caroline and making calls. We were exhausted. We were ready to collapse and go to sleep. Ha! How ironic that all those times we looked at each other and asked how were we supposed to get any sleep....we did the same thing that night! Only for a different reason. We had a newborn baby and knew we weren't going to sleep any that night. We definitely slept more at peace though knowing that our journey to becoming parents was finally over. And a new journey was about to begin....the journey of raising this precious little girl that God was gracious enough to give us.



Stephen waiting at the agency holding Caroline while I was praying!

Bring Caroline "home" from the agency! Her first home was Drury Inn & Suites!

We decorated our door with a pink bow!

Well, that's all for now. I really could keep writing more of this story but it's time to stop writing this one for now. Because we are going to begin writing a new one....

To be continued...

Placement Day!

It was Friday morning and it would turn into one of the most exhausting days of my whole life. The phone rang that morning and it was B who told us she planned to spend the day with Caroline and we would meet up with her that afternoon at the adoption agency for placement. This is when B would sign the paperwork and the agency would place the baby with us. B wanted some time with Caroline and who could blame her. However, not seeing Caroline all day and knowing that nothing was for certain yet was REALLY hard. Really hard. My cell phone kept ringing- the plan would change on how everything was going to work out again and again. B was going to get discharged sooner than we thought from the hospital but too soon to sign papers yet so another plan had to be made. I must have talked to B and the adoption agency half a dozen times that morning. And then there were all the phone calls from back home from friends and family calling to check in. They were on pins and needles too and wanted to hear word as soon as possible that we indeed would be parents and would be bringing this baby girl home with us.

The plan was for Stephen and I to go to the hospital to pick up B and the baby and then all go to the adoption agency together. I got some clothes together for Caroline to wear "home" from the hospital and packed a bag....praying with every item I put in the bag that God would indeed allow us to be parents today. And asking myself, "But what if He didn't? What if B couldn't say goodbye to Caroline and decided to parent her? What do we do then?"

We got dressed and decided to go to lunch somewhere before heading to the hospital. We ended up at Taco Cabana. Now, why in the world when my stomach was already in knots would I eat Mexican food for lunch?? Who knows what we were thinking? My mind was elsewhere...what can I say? Needless to say on the way to the hospital we had to make a stop at the store for some medication! After our pit stop to the store we headed to the hospital to pick up B and Caroline. Nothing could have prepared us for these next several hours and what all we would endure....such bittersweet moments.

To be continued...

Happy Birthday!

What an amazing day!! It was so surreal to watch this sweet baby girl come into this world. B was so calm and did amazingly well with the delivery. I think the easiest way for me to give you a glimpse into that day(because it's so hard to put into words) is to share with you my journal entry from that night. I kept a journal while we waited and wrote to the baby so it's as if I'm speaking to her.....

"Happy Birthday to you! You're here with us and you are absolutely beautiful! You are perfect from head to toe and such a miracle to us. You have the sweetest lips and the cutest nose I've ever seen! You have long pretty fingers and you have dimples. Oh, I don't think you could be any more perfect. I just cried and cried when I saw you for the first time.

B wanted your first hours of life to be spent bonding with us so we followed the nurses to the nursery with you. Your daddy got to listen to your heartbeat and your breathing. He also measured you to see how long you were. The nurse put you on the scale and it said you weighed 7 pounds and 10 ounces. The nurse let me give you your very first bath! What a privilege to get to do that. Usually the nurse does all of this while the mom is recovering in her room and you don't even get to see it all much less be a part of it. After I sponged you off we just stared at you. The nurse finished dressing you and led us to a room right off the nursery. The room had a rocking chair in it and I walked to the rocking chair with you thinking that I had waited a very long time for this very moment.....to rock my baby. I fed you your first bottle and your daddy just stared at you and kept saying how beautiful you were. We took lots of pictures of you and sent them to our families at home to let them know you were here!

Those first few hours with you in that nursery were so very precious. Those moments will be etched in our hearts and minds forever!! God is so good!!"

I had those first hours with our sweet baby girl and I was elated but as the time wore on my heart began to feel heavy. This baby's birthmom was just down the hall recovering from the delivery with her mom by her side telling her everything was going to be okay. She just gave birth and yet there was no celebrating and no baby to hold....because her baby was with us. I felt so terrible. We had to go check on her to make sure she was okay. We stepped into her room and she assured us that she would be fine and that we should go be with the baby yet I found myself not wanting to leave her and help take care of her and love on her. She was hurting.

Later that evening we left the hospital so B could have some time with the baby. We were so grateful that B wanted us there but over the next couple of days we tried our best to remember we were only guests visiting with this baby instead of mom and dad. We would come and go so B and her family could have time but is was so hard not to be there every second.

Friday was placement day...that's the adoption term for the day that the baby is placed with you as the adoptive parents....or in some cases...not placed with you if the birthmom decided to parent the baby. Little did we know it would take everything we had within us to make it through that day.

To be continued...

Texas Bound!

We arrived in San Antonio on Tuesday afternoon. B was set to be induced the next morning bright and early. The plan was to start the induction early that morning and for Stephen and I along with her mom to all be there with her in the room for the delivery. Once the baby was born...48 hours later B would sign the paperwork to relinquish her parental rights. Texas law says the baby must be 48 hours old before the birthmom can surrender her rights. But a lot could happen in those 48 hours. In my mind, all it was going to take was one look at that sweet baby girl and B would begin thinking twice about her decision. I mean, how could you not? How could you hold that precious baby and not want to keep her? From someone who wanted a child so badly...I just didn't see that as possible. Back to the strength and courage again....I told you this woman was my hero.

We went to dinner that night with B and her mom and talked about the baby and what she was going to look like. We were all excited to meet her. I remember standing in the parking lot with B as we were leaving and she looked at both us with this huge smile on her face and said, "So, tomorrow you will be a mom and dad!" She really was so happy for us but I remember just wanting to ask her, "But are you really sure? Are you really going to be able to do it?" Instead I simply said, "I can't believe the time is finally here!"

We walked back up to our hotel room and got ready for bed. We prayed again for everything and looked at each once again and said, "Now how are we supposed to get any sleep tonight?"

To be continued...

Birthday Bash

It was the weekend before we were set to leave for Texas and I was having a big 30th birthday party. I can't believe I agreed to a big party amongst all of the packing and getting ready for the big trip. I remember being emotionally a wreck all day that Saturday...the day of the party. I just didn't know how to deal with all the emotions I was experiencing. So, I just cried...and cried...and cried. I cried because I was absolutely overjoyed at the thought that I was about to become a mother. I cried because I was scared that I would come home from Texas without becoming a mother. I cried because of all the pain B was about to face. We had grown so close over the last few months and become friends. I knew she was having a hard time that weekend...I could hear it in her voice. I remember thinking how weird it was that I was partying for my 30th and elated about becoming a mother while she was grieving and trying to prepare herself for what was to come. She loved this little baby girl...that I could tell. So, how was she going to place her in our arms? Oh, the strength and courage! If only I had an ounce of it!

Stephen's family came over on Sunday night before we were set to leave on Monday and prayed over us...for the days ahead. They prayed of course for our safety traveling and the birth of the baby. But what was so amazing was they all prayed for B. They prayed that God would give her the strength she needed to carry out HIS plan. They prayed that God would give her peace and that He would carry her through these hard days ahead. See, they too had become so attached to her as well and so grateful for all that she was giving up in order to bring us such joy. As I prayed that night I remember just wanting for God to have all the glory through everything. I wanted the nurses and staff at the hospital to see the work of God in such a mighty way that they had to believe it was Him who orchestrated all of this.I wanted anyone who came to the hospital(friends or family) to just sense God's presence. And I prayed that no matter the outcome that I(we) would still believe that God is good and He is sovereign... because He is.

To be continued...

Packing our Bags

The time was drawing near for the big day. It was already April and we were beginning to pack our bags for the trip. We would need lots of stuff! We had to stay in the state of Texas for awhile after the baby was born to wait on the ICPC... the interstate compact on the placement of children. The paperwork had to be sent from our adoption agency in Texas to the capital in Texas...Austin to be signed off on. Then it had to be sent to our state capital Nashville to be signed off on and then sent back to Texas. Once they got it back in Texas we were free to travel back to Tennessee with the baby. They told us a normal wait time was around 2 weeks but it could be up to 4 weeks so we had to be packed and prepared for a long stay.

We talked with B about the plan for the delivery and she asked us to be in the delivery room with her. We were beside ourselves. What an incredible experience and an honor to be asked to share in her moment and her time with the baby. We were not going to be the baby's parents at that point so it was a privilege to be asked by her to be in the room during delivery. B was so very gracious. She wanted us to be the first to bond with the baby. She asked her doctor if after the birth we could go immediately to the nursery with the baby so we could be the first to hold her. We knew that although it was an exciting time for us...that day and the days to follow would be some of the hardest for B. What a roller coaster ride it was going to be. Our adoption agency was great about preparing us for those days and walking us through everything. We were in a lot of communication with them at this point as we talked about the plan for the delivery. It was only a couple of weeks away and we could hardly wait......yet we were also so scared of the "what ifs" as well. I remember just clinging to Jeremiah 29:11 during those final days leading up to the birth.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

To be continued...

Nesting and Showers

The next couple of months(February and March) were spent getting things ready for the baby. We finished up the nursery and I had a few baby showers. I was reluctant to have any because I didn't want to get a lot of pink girly things that might have to be taken back after all was said and done. We wouldn't know for sure that this baby girl was ours until after B delivered and signed the paperwork relinquishing her parental rights. The more I talked it over with friends and thought about it, we decided that it would be fun to go ahead and have showers. I mean I was "expecting" after all! We had 3 baby showers and of course got TONS of pink things which made me nervous but I did my best to enjoy it all. It was definitely weird to be finally having a baby shower after I had hosted so many for friends along the way. And it was weird to not have a pregnant belly in any of the pictures from the showers. But weird or not, I was so grateful to be having baby showers and planning for a baby.

I continued to talk with B and she was so sweet about calling us after every doctor’s appointment. She would update us and tell us about her visit. She told the doctor about her plan to place her baby for adoption and he was willing to induce her labor if the baby hadn’t arrived by April 18^th…then he would induce. The countdown was on! 4 weeks until our baby girl would be here! It was all too much. I couldn’t let myself just let go and get totally excited. I mean, yes our birthmom was completely sure of her decision but she also hadn’t held her baby girl yet. We had to somewhat prepare for the fact that we could travel to Texas to get our baby yet return home without her. We kept asking ourselves how we prepare for that and the only thing we could come up with was by prayer. We just continually asked the Lord for peace and His strength in the end if this didn’t turn out the way we had hoped it would.

To be continued…