My Meltdown

We got home from orientation and began looking at our next round of paperwork to fill out. We had 10 days to get all of this paperwork turned back in and to complete our scrapbook and turn in our first big payment. I saw the amount of money we needed and immediately began to panic. But then I remembered that my sister had mentioned about a month prior to this that I would have some inheritance money from mom when she settled all of her medical bills, etc. I hadn't really thought much more about it because I knew as a single mom she just didn't have much. She lived paycheck to paycheck. So, we began praying that God would provide the money we needed to turn in to the agency and soon. My sister called and said she had the check for me and I couldn't believe it....it was just a few hundred dollars shy of what we needed to turn into the agency! You see, my mom was playing a role in our adoption and she wasn't even with us on earth. Only God could pull that off!

We were given pointers on making our scrapbook while we were at orientation so that was the BIG project we had to complete after we got home. Basically, birthmoms come into the agency to make an adoption plan for their child and they look through these scrapbooks to pick out some couples they think they would choose to adopt their baby. The birthmoms are encouraged to take a few scrapbooks with them to think about it and then to set up phone calls with the couples to interview them and ask them questions. Then you(adoptive parents) are "matched" with a birthmom if she chooses you to adopt her baby. That is how the process works. So, needless to say we were very nervous about this scrapbook seeing as how it was the first impression that birthmoms were going to get of us. I had gotten together often with girlfriends and done scrapbooking while our husbands were studying. So, I felt pretty confident that I could put together something great.....that is until I walked into the scrapbooking store that cold day in December. I had a meltdown. I mean the kind of meltdown you DO NOT want to have in public with snot flying everywhere and crying so hard I was shaking kind of meltdown. It's funny now to look back on that day but it was in NO way funny then. I think everything came crashing down at that moment and the pressure was too much.....we had just undergone so much to get to that point. And then to think that us becoming parents was dependent on what kind of scrapbook paper I picked out! Well, no of course not....I was taking God out of the picture and doubting that HE had a plan and it didn't matter what our scrapbook looked like!

I managed to pull myself together after no less than five people asked me if I needed something or if they could call someone for me. I finally gathered my supplies and checked out....I gave myself a pep talk on the way home. "You can do this Jess! It's not about how good your scrapbook is! God has a baby for us!" I spent all my free time over the next couple of weeks working on the scrapbook and we mailed in about a dozen copies to the adoption agency. It was a Wednesday and I was at work that morning. Someone from the agency called to say they received our package with the rest of the paperwork, our first big payment, and our scrapbooks. She said that everyone at the agency commented on what a good job we had done on our scrapbook.....I sighed and smiled. She also said that they would begin showing it to birthmoms right away and hopefully we would hear from her again soon. Little did I know she would call again later that night!

To be continued...

Orientation

We were so excited about going to San Antonio for the weekend. We flew in on Friday afternoon and thought we might squeeze a nap in before orientation started that evening. No such luck as we jumped on the shuttle for the wrong Holiday Inn! Who knew there were like a million Holiday Inn's in San Antonio? We finally made it to the right hotel just in time to begin! There were 11 other couples there and that night we all sat in a circle and shared about our journeys. Each couple took a turn sharing and there wasn't a dry eye in the room. We also met the staff of the adoption agency as they introduced themselves that night. One story was particularly touching to us. There was a couple who had placed a baby for adoption while they were teenagers and that couple was still together all these years later trying to conceive a child. I think it was about 18-20 years later so the child would have been in college if I am remembering correctly. Seeing the heartache they were suffering not knowing anything about the child they placed so long ago made me realize the importance of open adoption. All they wanted was to know what he was up to and see some pictures but because their adoption was closed at the time they couldn't get any information.

The next day the staff girls of the agency basically overloaded us with information about our paperwork, the financial issues, our scrapbook, the issue of open adoption, etc. The moment that stood out to me on that day was hearing from a birthmom about her journey. There was a panel of birthparents and adoptive parents to talk with us and answer questions. This birthmom said that the only way she was strong enough to place her child with the adoptive parents she chose was because she would always know how that child was doing. She would get pictures and updates and visits along the way and that gave her peace. Her story was so touching.

We finished the day with dinner on the River Walk and had a great time! Our brains were all on overload and we needed some time to just hang out and get to know everyone better. The agency left us with the thought that from that point on we were "expecting." They said you are waiting for your baby just like other couples who are pregnant and waiting for their babies. We were told to go home and get to work on our nurseries and go register for baby items and do all the things you would do if you were birthing this child yourselves. We flew out that next morning on Sunday and we left with such.....hope. Something we had been without for so long but it was nice to finally have it back.

To be continued...

We Press On...

We spent the month of October that year filling out paperwork, getting physicals, having interviews with our social worker, getting finger printed, tracking down bank statements, tracking down copies of all kinds of things like our marriage license and birth certificates, proof of health and life insurance and etc. You get the idea! We were busy that month to say the least. We turned in everything and our social worker approved us to adopt. Now we just had to wait to be accepted and approved by the agency in Texas and be invited to their next orientation weekend. We were approved by the agency and got a call in November letting us know that the next orientation weekend would be the first weekend in December. Abrazo Adoption Agency is located in San Antonio so it would mean we had to fly there for the weekend. The orientation was Friday night and all day Saturday. We began praying that it would work out for us to go. Those of you that are familiar with residency....there is no "taking off a weekend here and there" for any reason really. It just doesn't happen. So, we knew it would take a small miracle for it to work out with Stephen's work schedule.

Well, God still works miracles and He was able to work it out for us to go. Stephen had to work 27 days straight in the ICU that month to get that 3 days off but he did it! Even financially God worked it out....one family member paid for our plane tickets, another our hotel and rental car. It was all coming together and we were so excited. The agency told us to bring pictures with us because we would begin working on our scrapbook there. I started gathering pictures and remember thinking as I was looking at all of them....we're about to be taking pictures and there will be 3 of us in them. It won't be just the two of us anymore. I began thinking about what our child would look like and be like. It was so fun to really start dreaming about our baby!

So, we packed our bags and went to San Antonio for an amazing orientation weekend!

To be continued...

God will make a way!

As we began filling out our piles and piles of paperwork we realized that the first big step to the adoption process was to have a home study done. This is when a social worker does multiple interviews with you, comes to your house for a tour,(and to make sure you are not growing weed or something in your backyard-Sorry! You have to have a sense of humor about the process!)acquires letters of reference from family and friends, obtains medical records to make sure you are healthy, does a background check on you to make sure you are not a felon, and several other things that I am forgetting right now. I called to make an appointment with a social worker for a couple of weeks out to complete our first interview and get started with the process. As we were ending the conversation she says, "Oh, and my fee is due on the first interview and it's one thousand dollars."

I thought, "Okay Lord. I know you said to trust you so here it goes! If this is really going to all happen then where is that one thousand dollars going to come from?" It's just such a leap of faith when you know God wants you to do something yet there seems to be this huge gap standing in the way. I am going into the details about the finances because it is important and is part of our story....it just shows how much God's hand was on all the details of our adoption. So, I'm checking the mail a few days after making the appointment with the social worker and there was a card from all of my girlfriends in Johnson City. When Stephen was in med school and we lived in Johnson City I led a Bible Study in my home for med school wives and there were 10 of us who were in that group. Oh how I miss those girls! Anyway, I digress. It was a sympathy card and I was getting lots of those but this one was different. Part of it read, "All of the girls say send their love and hope this helps some. We all felt this was the perfect way to reach out to you during this time, especially since we were all together at the beginning of this long road. We all pray that this is a swift and smooth process and that you and Stephen have a baby in your hearts and home soon. We all love you so much!" You see all these girls wanted to donate money to our baby fund in honor of my mom. In this card there were checks from all of them and the total was...wait for it....$1,000!!!

This was huge for us because it totally confirmed that God was going to give us a baby and He was going to provide the means to do so! I remember crying and calling Stephen to give him good news for a change. News that God is good. News that HE IS IN CONTROL. News that we are going to bring a child into our home and HE WILL make a way for us!!

To be continued...

He turned my pain into peace

It was several days after my mom died when everything slowed down and it all began sinking in. My life hadn't been normal in over a month. Spending nights in the hospital for weeks....then the week of the funeral was crazy busy making arrangements....and then the week after was spent being with family and going through some of mom's things. So, I was really too busy to grieve...or I was surrounded with so many family members that I wanted to be strong for. I woke up one morning to spend some time with the Lord and opened up my Bible but I was so incredibly sad and brokenhearted that I couldn't read it. I got down on my knees and just sobbed. I cried out to the Lord that morning and told Him my pain was too much. I ached so much to be a mom and so I begged God to take away that pain. I just lost my mom so there was this new pain and the combination of the two was way too much.

There have only been a couple of other times in my life besides that morning where I felt the presence of God SO strongly that I KNEW He was there with me. I mean, I always know He's there. But you don't always physically FEEL it. I felt it that day. After crying out for some time I remember feeling this indescribable peace in my heart. I heard God telling me that it was okay to grieve for my mom and to be there with my family and for my family. Then He said..."TRUST ME"....with my plans for you to be a mom. Two simple words right? Not so simple to do. "Trust that I have a baby for you and you will be a mom." Not, "trust that you will get pregnant and carry a child." You see, God was telling me that He had a child for us and that if I would just surrender to His plan....His timing....His way....then it would happen.

So on that morning that's exactly what I did. I surrendered and began to trust that God had it all in control. I knew we would adopt a precious baby soon and I couldn't be more excited! After questioning it for so long I was finally ready and could hardly wait to meet our child! Little did I know that as God was telling me to trust Him and that He had a child for me.....my child was already on her way.

To be continued...

I hate cancer

When the doctor said, "colon cancer" I froze. My mom had colon cancer? Did I hear the doctor correctly? Was I dreaming? No, it wasn't a dream. It was....all too real. My thoughts were all over the place in those moments. Will she be okay? What will I do without my mom? Those of you that know me know that I didn't have a relationship with my father so she was the only parent I had.

Three days later we sat in the surgeon's office and mapped out the plan of attack. The prognosis looked good. He would remove her whole colon. She had scans that showed that the cancer had not spread so once he removed the colon the cancer would be gone. It would be a long road of recovering but overall things looked good. I could breathe again. Thank you Lord.

Three days later we were at the hospital ready for the operation. It was a long day of waiting but the surgery went well and they removed her colon. No further treatment needed. All the cancer was gone and now we could get on with our lives. Except that's not what happened. I won't go into all the details because honestly they are still too painful. She wasn't healing properly from the surgery and went into septic shock and everything happened so fast. Three weeks after I took my mom in for the colonoscopy she went home to be with Jesus. I didn't get to say goodbye and that was incredibly hard.

I shared the story of losing my mom in the middle of our adoption story for a reason. She played a role in our adoption as you'll soon find out.

To be continued....

Decisions Decisions

I drove home from that doctor's appointment by myself that day because Stephen had to work. He was always working. He was in residency then so I had to let the news sink in alone. I had felt God tugging at my heart about adoption for months before this appointment but really hadn't been ready. I was still hanging on to the hope that I would carry a child for nine months....a child that shared our blood and genes. I think for people who already have biological children and decide to adopt this isn't a big hurdle to get through. No big deal. But for a woman who aches with everything inside her to carry a child in her womb it's a big deal. It's huge.

Stephen and I never felt a peace in our hearts about doing IVF. We were doing Andy Stanley's study "The Best Question Ever" with our small group during this time and it was SO very helpful to us as we were making this decision. I HIGHLY recommend the book! We asked God for wisdom because there were so many issues involved with this procedure. Issues that we didn't feel like we as humans should be deciding...only God. I'm not trying to start a debate here and I would never stand in judgment of anyone who decides this is the way to build their family but it wasn't the right direction for us.

Stephen was ready long before me to start the adoption process. I mean he still had questions and worries...like where do we even begin and how will we pay for the adoption. But at least he didn't have the big hurdle(it felt like a mountain) to get past like me. In July we began telling our families that we were looking into adoption and we began researching online. We didn't know where to begin. We cried out to the Lord asking for direction and wisdom once again. We were both on the same page about domestic adoption. There are plenty of babies here in our country who need families to bring them home so no need (for us anyway) to spend more money and have a longer wait to go overseas. We began asking the Lord specifically to clearly show us an adoption agency. The agency He would have us go through. Within a couple of weeks, we were getting phone calls and emails from friends and family who knew of someone who had recently adopted. Stephen's aunt had just met a woman who had adopted through Abrazo Adoption Agency in Texas. His aunt said we should look up the agency online. One of my friends called and said "Do you know so and so? They just adopted from some agency in Texas. I'll ask her the name of it." She called back and said it was Abrazo and that I should call her to talk to her about their experience. I called her and she had nothing but great things to say about the agency. I knew that it was the Lord pointing us to this agency. Seems like every few days we were getting contacted by someone who knew someone who had adopted through Abrazo. Once we learned more about the agency, there were lots of things we really liked about the agency. One thing that really stood out was the immediate placement of the baby with the adoptive couple. Basically in the majority of their adoptions, the baby was placed with the adoptive couple the same day the birthmom and baby were discharged from the hospital. That was important to us.

We called the agency and got them to send us the initial packet of paperwork(there would be LOTS more of this to come) to fill out. We began looking over the paperwork and felt quite overwhelmed at all the steps involved in the process. And remember I was still asking God to make me completely ready for this if this was His plan for us. I didn't want to go into this process with any hesitation. I wanted to be excited about it instead of overwhelmed. I still needed to feel like this was 100% what God had for us and it would be okay that I wasn't going to carry and deliver this baby. That it would be okay that we weren't going to say things like, "he has your nose" or "she has your smile." I just needed to let it all go and totally surrender it to the Lord.

Our plans would be put on hold at this point. Remember the part about the dark days and there were more to come? On August 8th my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer.

To be continued.....